


Cause I Love You More Than You Think I Do

by crimsontheory



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Break Up, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Marriage Proposal, Sad with a Happy Ending, is it just me or is it hard to tag?, probably poorly written angst but it's there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 12:27:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3610083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsontheory/pseuds/crimsontheory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry loves Louis, but Louis is afraid of commitment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cause I Love You More Than You Think I Do

**Author's Note:**

  * For [truce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/truce/gifts).



> So this is completely different from anything I would normally write and this is my first time ever writing angst so hopefully it isn't too bad. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to write anything that isn't dialogue and I tend to use italics a little too much.
> 
> And to truce, thank you so much for all of your lovely prompts! I hope it’s okay that I chose this one and I really do hope you like it!
> 
> And thank you so much to my lovely beta Yasmine. For holding my hand and walking me through this, for being my shoulder to cry on while I wrote this, and just for being an amazing and beautiful person whom I love very very much. <333
> 
> Title is taken from I Love You by Alex and Sierra.

“Why do I have to get all dressed up?” Louis groans.

“Because we’re going on a date, Lou.” Harry says from where he is fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror. He has already finished getting dressed into a pair of nice black dress pants with a plain black blazer over one of his wildly printed dress shirts that’s actually buttoned up all the way, so this must be some serious date. He looks good, _really_ good. Louis doesn't deserve him. “We are going to have dinner at a fancy restaurant and it’s just fun to get dressed up every now and then.”

Louis flops onto the bed face first. “Where are we even going?”

“That Italian place you like.” Louis can hear a slight hint of nerves in Harry’s voice, but he doesn't question it, just guesses it’s due to the fact that the two of them haven’t been out on a real date in a while.

Louis rolls over onto his back. “But that place is really expensive, Haz.”

Harry walks over to the bed and grabs Louis’ face in both of his hands. “It’s fine, Louis. I just want to take my boyfriend out and treat him to a nice dinner.” He leans down and places a quick kiss on Louis’ lips. “Now please get ready or we’re going to miss our reservation.”

\--

This is literally Louis' favorite restaurant. They give you these little complementary baskets of bread and it's the best bread Louis has ever had in his life. He didn't even know he could love bread _that_ much. But he hardly ever comes here because it's so expensive. Like twenty five pounds for a fucking salad expensive. It's also one of those places that keeps the lights dim for ambiance or some shit, so you have to read your menu by the one candlelight on your table.

When they walk in, Harry tells the hostess he has a reservation for Styles. She swoons at his curls and his deep voice and Louis sighs because this happens _everywhere_ , but he can't blame them really, he understands first hand how hard it is to resist the Styles charm.

They are taken to a secluded table in the back where there is already a bottle of wine in a bucket of ice waiting for them.

The dinner is nice. _Really_ nice. He and Harry haven't been able to enjoy a night like this in awhile. The conversation flows effortlessly between them, as it always does. That's something Louis has always loved about Harry, he's so easy to talk to.

Louis can't help the nagging guilt he feels about Harry having to pay for all this, but Harry has reassured him several times that it's something he wants to do and he doesn't mind. And Louis _tries_ to be okay with it.

They finish off the bottle of wine so Harry orders another one and Louis drinks most of it. He's feeling light and warm and a little fuzzy around the edges by the time the waitress takes their plates and Harry gives her their dessert order.

Louis has noticed that Harry has seemed a little stilted throughout the night, not as chatty as he usually is like there's something on his mind. So Louis asks him about it. "You alright, darling? You seem a little off."

Harry sighs, brushes his hair out of his eyes. "Yeah I'm fine. I just - I love you."

Louis rolls his eyes. "I love you too, you dork."

Harry gives him a small smile and they sit in silence while they wait for their dessert. The waitress brings it to them and Louis immediately digs in. They are sharing a piece of the chocolate mousse cake and Louis moans when he brings a forkful into his mouth because it's so _rich_ and fuck it's good. He glances up to see Harry staring at him. "What?"

"I love you."

"I know," Louis says around the cake in the mouth. "You just said that like five minutes ago."

Harry leans over with his napkin and wipes a bit of chocolate from the corner of Louis' mouth. "No I mean, like, I _really_ love you."

"Harry, what's going on? Why are you acting so weird?" Louis frowns. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"Christ, _no_ Lou. I can't even picture myself without you. Like whenever I think about my future it's not my future it's _our_ future because you're always there by my side." Harry looks down at his hands and twists one of his rings around his finger, a nervous habit he's always had. "Louis, you are the most important thing in my life and I care about you so much and I love you so bloody much it _hurts_ sometimes."

"Okay." Louis says, drawing out the word. He's so confused right now.

“Before I met you I truly thought I was happy. I was healthy, I had a job that I enjoyed going to everyday, I had friends and family who loved me, and then I met you and all of that meant nothing. You made everything in my life seem brighter and feel _better_ and I finally realized what _real_ happiness was. And that’s you Louis, you gave that to me. You make me the happiest, luckiest man in the world. There is never a moment in my life when I’m not thinking about how much I love you.”

"What I'm trying to say is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to grow old with you and I-" He cuts himself off and shakes his head. He gets up and walks around to Louis' side of the table.

"Harry. What are you doing?"

Harry reaches into the breast pocket of his jacket and pulls out a little black box and then _he's getting down on one knee_ in front of him. And why the hell is there no oxygen in this room? Louis can't _breathe_.

Harry looks up at Louis from where he's crouched down in front of him. "I love you with my whole heart, with my whole being. Louis William Tomlinson, will you marry me?"

There's a [ring](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41j%2B6Yeg3WL.jpg) nestled inside the box and it's really quite pretty. A simple and thick silver band with a single diamond in the middle and a double rope accent wrapping around it, quite similar to the tattoo Louis has on his wrist.

Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. Louis isn't ready for this. "Um." He glances around the room and most of the people in the restaurant have stopped eating their meals and have turned to watch them. Why did Harry have to do this in front of all of these people?

Then he looks at Harry, _his_ Harry. His eyes are bright and so, so green and he has his bottom lip tucked in between his teeth. He’s the most beautiful person Louis has ever seen and he loves him, loves him so much, so _fiercely_ , but he cannot do this. His heart aches because he can’t help but feel like Harry is just settling with him, when Harry deserves so much more, deserves _so_ much better. "No."

He hears a few gasps and some murmurs but the only thing he can pay attention to is the way Harry's face just _crumbles_. God, Louis can practically hear Harry's heart breaking.

Harry scrambles back onto his feet. “Oh. Okay. Yeah. That’s - that's fine. That’s _totally_  fine.” He doesn't sound like that’s fine. His voice is trembling as if he’s trying to hold back tears.

"Harry please. Can we talk about this?"

"Maybe we should just go home." Harry takes out his wallet and throws down some money before walking towards the front door of the restaurant.

He looks down at the table and notices the money Harry put down earlier. _Two hundred pounds_. That's way more than enough to pay for their dinner. This place is expensive, but not that expensive.

Louis is frozen in place. What even just happened? Everything went by too fast. Harry just _proposed_. What the fuck?

He slowly gets up and grabs his jacket that he hung on the back of the chair and goes out the front door in search of Harry. He finds him leaning up against the passenger's side door of Louis' car. He's looking down at the ground, his shoulders are hunched over in on himself, and he keeps running his hand through his hair. He's on the phone but he quickly hangs up when he notices Louis approaching.

"You put two hundred pounds down on the table."

Harry flinches a little when he hears Louis' voice. "Oh, well she can just keep the change I guess."

"That's a lot of money, Harry. Where did you even get that?" Louis asks.

"Because I've been saving up for this day for quite awhile, Lou." Harry winces like he didn't mean to say the nickname and that stings a little.

"You have?"

"Yes I have." Harry snaps at him, finally turning to look at Louis. His eyes are red and a little puffy, like he's been crying. "I just wanted this night to be nice, you know. Is it _that_ fucking hard to believe that I want to marry you?"

"Actually, yeah it is."

Harry deflates and slumps back against the side of the car. "Can we just go home please?"

Louis nods and unlocks the car, climbing into the driver's seat.

The drive home is awkward and tense. Neither of them say a word and Louis had to turn the radio on just so there is some sort of background noise so he doesn't go insane from the silence. This is probably the complete opposite way Harry saw the night going. They would be celebrating, maybe with that really fancy champagne that Harry loves that makes him giggly and his cheeks red, followed up by some just-got-engaged sex. God, why is Louis literally the worst person on the face of the earth.

He keeps sneaking glances at Harry, just to make sure he's still really there because he’s been so quiet. He's got his feet up in the seat and his knees against his chest with his arms wrapped around them and his head resting on top of them. He hasn't looked at Louis the whole drive, just kept his face turned away and looking out the window.

Every few minutes Louis will hear him sob quietly, slightly muffled by his hand like he's trying to stop Louis from hearing them, but Louis hears them and his heart breaks a little more with each one.

Louis is barely able to get the car parked in the garage before Harry is opening the door and running inside. Louis takes a moment to try and compose himself before he takes the key out of the ignition and follows Harry into the house.

As soon as he steps inside he sees Harry heading up the stairs towards their bedroom. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to bed. Is that okay with you?" Harry's voice is slow and scratchy.

"No. We need to talk about this."

"What is there to talk about, Louis?" Harry asks sharply. "I asked you to marry me and you said no, when I was _positive_ that you would say yes. That's why I kept telling you that I love you so that you could be able to back out if you didn't, but then you always said it back. Do you even understand how humiliating it is to find out that your boyfriend doesn't love you anymore in front of a whole room of strangers?"

"Is that what you think this is about? That I don't love you anymore?"

"Obviously." Harry is still looking anywhere but at Louis, his eyes darting around the room like he can't find something safe to hold his gaze. He finally settles on the floor.

"Harry, I love you so much you _know_ that I do. Why else would I have spent the last seven years of my life with you? Or moved in with you? I just-" Louis sighs and walks up the stairs to where Harry is standing. He places his finger underneath Harry's chin so that they are finally looking at each other. "I'm not quite sure that I'm ready for that type of commitment yet. You're just going to have to give me some time to work it out on my own. It's not that I don't love you, because I do. I will _always_ love you. Okay?"

Harry blinks and few tears slide down his cheeks. Louis wipes it away with his thumb and follows the path with his lips. "I love you too, Lou. And I'll give you all the time you need. I promise."

They head up to their bedroom after that, quickly changing out of their nice clothes before climbing into bed, falling asleep wrapped around each other.

\--

Things go back to normal after that. Well, almost. There's still a slight tension around them whenever they are alone together, like they're both aware of something that needs to be talked about, but neither of them bring it up.

They both came to the decision not to tell their friends and family what happened. Partly to save Harry the embarrassment but mostly to hold of on the excitement and congratulations until Louis is really ready, which he's not sure if he'll ever be. Just thinking about it makes him get a queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Harry doesn't bring it up again until a little over a week later. And honestly Louis is impressed he even waited that long.

"What do you think about spring?"

Harry is standing at the stove making dinner, which smells spicy as well as sweet and it makes Louis' mouth water every time he gets a whiff of it. Louis is sitting at the kitchen table grading his students’ papers, most of them didn't even try. Two of his kids actually turned in the same exact paper word for word. He's surprised that he isn't even surprised.

"Uh, it's nice. Not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket." It comes out a little muffled because he's holding the red pen he's been grading with in between his teeth.

"No I mean for the wedding." Harry chuckles, not seeming to have noticed Louis’ Miss Congeniality quote. "I think spring would be pretty because of all the flowers and everything being in bloom, you know. But I think fall could be nice too because of the colours. What do you think?"

Louis is completely caught off guard. Harry needs to give him some sort of warning before they start having this conversation. "I think I don't really want to talk about that right now."

"Okay." Harry has suddenly become very interested in whatever is in the pot in front of him. "You still need more time?"

"Yeah." Obviously. It's only been a _week_.

"I'm sorry." Harry mumbles.

"Hey, that's okay." Louis gets up from the table and walks over to stand behind Harry, wrapping his arms around his waist. "I'll let you know when I'm ready, alright?"

Harry just nods and Louis places a wet kiss where his neck meets his shoulder before walking back over to the table.

\--

The next time Harry questions him about it, it's been almost a month since the night in the restaurant.

"How about kids?"

They’re curled up on the couch with mugs of tea and currently on their fourth episode of The Great British Bake Off of the night. Louis had a really long day at work and his eyes had started drooping toward the end of the third episode. So he's a little sluggish and extra cuddly.

"What about them?"

"Well I've always wanted kids." Harry tells him. "I know we've never _really_ talked about it, but I was wondering what you thought about it. After we're married of course."

Louis stiffens. He specifically told Harry that he would let him know when he was ready to discuss these things, yet Harry keeps sneaking up on him and bombarding him with all these questions. He jumps up off the couch. "Yeah whatever you want, Haz. I'm just gonna go to bed, I'm pretty tired."

Harry looks a little surprised. "Sure, I'll come with you."

"Oh, no it's alright. You should finish that episode and fill me in on what happens later." He doesn't give Harry enough time to respond before he's running up the stairs towards their bedroom.

\--

Louis is driving home from work singing along to the radio. He's had the best day at work today and was actually able to get off on time instead of having to stay late for once. He knows Harry had the day off and he can't wait to get home and have a nice night in with his boy.

He unlocks the front door and the house feels eerily silent. Louis frowns, something isn't right. He walks around into the living room, and that's where he finds Harry, sitting on the second to last step on the stairs.

"Hey babe," he says to Harry. "You won't believe the day I had at work today. I got teacher of the month again! Can you believe that? That's like the fourth month in a row."

Louis was expecting him to be excited for him, but Harry doesn't say anything, doesn't even look up at him, just keeps twisting one of his rings around his finger. "Harry?"

A long silence passes in between them before Harry says anything. The air in the room feels thick and heavy and tight. "Why have you been lying to me?"

Louis is taken aback. "I'm sorry?"

"Why have you been lying to me?" Harry repeats. " _How long_ have you been lying to me?"

And that's when Louis notices the suitcase sitting next to Harry on the stairs. "Harry what's going on?"

"Just answer the fucking question Louis." His voice sounds exhausted and broken.

"I-I haven't been lying to you. I have _never_ lied to you."

Harry sighs. "Then why have you been telling me that you love me when you so obviously don't?"

"I do love you." Louis tells him. "What are you on about?"

"Cut the bullshit, Louis!" Harry snaps, standing up. "If you did love me, you would want to marry me."

Louis throws his hands up in the air. "Is this was this is about? I told you I need some time. Why can't you just give that to me?"

"It's been three months! How much fucking time do you need? You either want to be with me or you don't. It's not that hard of a concept."

Each word Harry says is like a punch to Louis’ gut. He tries to keep everything together, to not show his emotions on his face, but he’s sure Harry can see right through him. Harry knows Louis better than he knows himself. "It's not that simple." He says in a voice that sounds too tired and too soft to be his own.

"Oh, it's not?" Harry questions. "Well since you can't seem to decide what exactly is is that you want, I'm going to decide for you. I'll be staying at Zayn's for a while so you can have your precious _time_. You come find me when you think you're ready." Harry grabs his suitcase and walks out, slamming the door behind him.

Louis is frozen in place as he watches Harry leave. He closes his eyes to stop the tears from creeping in from behind.

\--

The first night is the hardest. The bed feels ten times bigger without Harry next to him. And it's cold, unbearably cold.

He's wearing a pair of Harry's pajama bottoms that are far too long on him, two shirts, and he even put an extra blanket on top of the two already on the bed, but he can't stop shivering. He can't seem to get warm enough to sleep without Harry's body heat pressing into his chest.

This is the first night in _years_ that he hasn't slept in the same bed as Harry, and he's been tossing and turning all night. He hasn't slept a wink. And it doesn't help that the sheets still smell like Harry.

Maybe wearing his pajama bottoms was a stupid idea. Louis has always loved how he seems to drown in Harry's clothes whenever he wears them, but right now it's just making his heart ache.

He glances at the alarm clock to check the time. It's just past five in the morning, he has to be up in an hour to get ready for work. Maybe he should just call in. He doesn't really feel up to putting on a fake smile for his kids today, they can always see right through him anyway.

He sends his boss a quick text telling her he is feeling a little under the weather and won't be coming in today. He doesn't like having to lie, but he just doesn't have the strength to get out of bed, even if all it does is remind him that Harry left, that Harry left _him_.

He rolls over onto Harry's side of the bed, clutching the pillow in his arms. He squeezes his eye shut trying to get at least a little bit of sleep.

\--

It's been a week. Or maybe more, he’s not sure. The days have started to feel like months. Louis has been stuck in this house that seems endless without Harry's presence. He still feels him everywhere; his hands on his waist, his lips on the base of his neck. Sometimes he'll swear he hears his voice, think he has come back home, and Louis will run to wherever he heard his voice coming from, only to be met with nothing and then hit with a tidal wave of sadness.

He doesn't eat. He can't sleep. It’s not like he could anyway, it’s impossible without hearing Harry’s soft breathing coming from beside him. The only clothes he has been wearing are the little bits that Harry has left behind. He feels everything and nothing all at once. How is that even possible?

He hasn't been to work all week. His boss sent him a Get Well card in the mail signed by all the other teachers because they actually believe he's really sick. Honestly he'd rather be sick than feel this empty.

He feels guilty and pathetic, but he deserves it. He deserves to feel shitty for ruining and possibly losing the best thing in his life, the only thing that even _mattered_.

He's tried to contact Harry but he's not returning his texts and he's ignoring his calls. He has even called Zayn a couple times, but he's just said that Harry wasn't home, which Louis _knows_ is a lie. He's trying, but Harry has given up on him.

He needs some human interaction or he's going to go crazy, well crazier than he already is. So he texts Liam.

_fifa ??_

Liam's reply comes almost instantly. _I can be there in 20! I'll bring the booze!_

Sure enough, nineteen minutes later - not like Louis was staring at the clock while he was waiting or anything - there's a knock on his front door.

Louis opens the door and there stands Liam with a six pack of beer and a pizza box. "When you said you were bringing booze, I thought it was going to be something stronger than beer."

Liam shrugs. "Sorry, Lou. It's all I had."

Liam spends a few hours with him and it's nice. Even though they aren't talking much, it's just nice to have someone _there_. Louis would like it even more if it was Harry, but he'll take what he can get.

They've taken a little break from their game and that's when Liam pounces. "So, I wasn't going to say anything, but you look like shit mate."

"Oh wow, thanks Li."

"Well I mean, you haven't touched the pizza, which is weird for you, you look like you haven't slept in days, and I haven't seen Harry once since I've been here. So I'm guessing Fifa isn't the only reason you invited me over. "

"It's not."

"So, you wanna talk about it?" Louis shakes his head. "Let's just play another match then, yeah? And if you change your mind I'm here."

Louis wasn't able to focus at all during that match. He was too busy thinking about how maybe it would help him feel better, help clear his head if he told someone. Surely Liam of all people would understand. Before Liam can set up another match, Louis reaches out for the remote and turns off the television. Liam shifts to get a better look at him and Louis draws a deep breath before he says, “Harry asked me to marry him.”

Liam’s eyes widen. “What? Why didn’t you tell me? That’s great, Lou! Congra-”

“I said no.” Louis says, cutting Liam off.

“Okay.” Liam frowns but doesn't press. Bless him. “How come?”

Louis brings up his legs onto the sofa with him trying to make himself as small as possible. “I just don’t think I’m ready for that yet.”

“Ready for what exactly?”

“That type of commitment.”

“That type of commitment.” Liam echoes. “What do you mean?”

“You know,” Louis waves his hand out in front of him. “Marriage.”

“Marriage?”

“Will you please stop repeating everything I’m saying!”

“I’m sorry. I just-” Liam cuts himself off. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Lou, but you’re a fucking idiot.”

“Wow. I’m flattered with compliments tonight, Payno.”

“Just listen to me, okay.” Liam says seriously turning his whole body to face Louis. “You two have been dating for how long now? Five years?”

“Seven.” Louis corrects.

“Christ, okay, _seven_ years. You already live together. You are practically married now. The only thing that's going to be different is you both have to sign this tiny meaningless little piece paper that says you're married and you'll call each other husbands instead of boyfriends. It's basically the same.”

Well when you put it that way it does seem like they are already married. Shit, Harry probably thought the same thing, but it’s way too late now. Louis has already gone and ruined it.

“I love him, I really do. I don’t know, it just feels like a lot.” He tries to burrow deeper into the couch. “But I fucked it all up because now he’s left me.”

“Wait what?” Liam asks, sounding shocked. “He left you because you didn't want to marry him? That doesn't really sound like something Harry would do.”

“Well he packed a fucking suitcase and he’s been staying at Zayn’s for the past week. Now he hates me, Li.” Louis’ voice gets weaker and weaker with each word.

Liam scoots closer to Louis and drapes his arm over his shoulder pulling him close. “I’m pretty sure he wouldn't have _proposed_ if he hated you.”

Louis tucks his face against Liam’s neck. “Everything has gone to shit and I don’t think I can get him back. I've tried texting him and calling him, but he keeps avoiding me.”

“You do realize this is Harry we’re talking about right?” Louis isn’t sure if he’s supposed to answer that or not, but Liam continues before Louis can. “You’re going to have to _go_ to him. You have to really prove to him that you want this otherwise he won’t believe you. You’ll get him back, I know you will.”

After their talk they ended up watching Bridesmaids because it was already playing when Louis turned the television back on. Louis finds himself nodding off on the sofa and that’s when Liam tells him it’s time for him to leave.

As Louis heads up to bed - for the first time since the night Harry left - he decides that first thing in the morning he’s going to go over to Zayn’s and talk to Harry, like _really_ talk to him.

He feels a little less sorry for himself as he crawls underneath the sheets because everything is going to be better tomorrow.

\--

There's a ringing in his ears that won't go away and it only seems to be getting louder. Louis groans and wraps the pillow tight around his ears hoping it will muffle the ringing. Eventually it stops and he sighs, relaxing back into the sheets, but then the ringing starts up again just as quickly as it stopped.

Louis slowly peels his eyes open and sees the glow from his cell phone against the ceiling. It's his phone. His phone is ringing.

He leans over and grabs it off the nightstand and he glances at his alarm clock before he answers it. 2:19am. Who the hell is calling him so late? Or early, whatever. He's tired. This is the first night since Harry left that he was able to get more than an hour of sleep and now it’s being interrupted. This call better be important.

"'lo?" He answers sleepily.

"Lou?" It's Zayn. His voice is soft, barely comes out above a whisper and he sounds exhausted. Well of course he's exhausted, it's two in the fucking morning.

"Zayn," Louis says, his voice thick with sleep. "Why are you calling me at two in the morning? I was sle-"

"It's Harry." Zayn interrupts.

 _That_ wakes him up and he sits up straight in the bed. "What's wrong?"

"There's been-" Zayn clears his throat and sniffles. "There's been an accident."

Zayn tells him that Harry's in the hospital and that's all Louis needs to hear before hanging up and pulling on his shoes, grabbing his keys and his hoodie (he was already dressed in a pair of joggers and a t-shirt because even though he was able to get some sleep, he still isn't able to get warm enough without the press of Harry's body against his own) from the kitchen table and jumping in his car.

The world seems to moving in slow motion, like his body isn't able to get him there fast enough. Everything feels heavy and fear is clouding his mind and his heart. He can't think about anything, doesn't _care_ about anything right now besides Harry.

He parks his car and doesn't even bother with locking it before he runs inside through the double doors. Zayn in slumped in one of the chairs in the waiting room, his head in his hands, and he looks up when Louis walks in. Louis stills for a second when he sees him because Zayn always looks effortlessly beautiful, even when he has just woken up and rolling out of bed he looks like some damn model and it's always made Louis irrationally jealous. But right now, Zayn looks _terrible_. His eyes are red and droopy from exhaustion, his face is red and blotchy, his hair is disheveled like he's been constantly running his hands through it, and his clothes are rumpled and wrinkly.

Zayn stands up when Louis makes it over to him and he leads him to the lifts. The air is tense in between them and neither of them speak as they ride up to the floor Harry is on.

When the doors slide open they are greeted with another waiting room. Because apparently all you ever do in a fucking hospital is wait. Zayn points down the hallway to the room Harry is in and Louis starts to head towards it but Zayn stops him. "You can't go in there. Family only right now." His voice sounds even worse than it did over the phone.

"Fuck off, Zayn. He _is_ family.”

Louis tries to open the door to Harry's room, but a nurse stops him this time. Why is everyone preventing him from seeing Harry? He just wants to _see_ him for God’s sake, make sure he's okay. "Sir you can't go in there it's family only.

"I am family. I'm his fucking _fiance_." Louis is stunned into silence when he realizes what he just said. The word feels heavy and foreign on his tongue, but he likes it, likes the sound of it. "Please let me go in."

The nurse only nods and he steps inside. The room is quiet except for the beeping of the monitors, which Louis still doesn't know what they even do. There's a lamp on in the corner, but other than that it's completely dark and he can’t help wrinkling his nose because it smells like hospital. Harry's mum is sitting on the side of Harry's bed with one of his hands in her own and his sister is curled up and fast asleep on the couch against the opposite wall.

Harry's mum looks up when she hears the door snick closed. "Louis." She gets up and walks over to him pulling him into a hug.

"Hey Anne." He only manages a weak smile because he can't take his eyes off Harry who is laying pale and lifeless in the hospital bed. There is a big white bandage taped on his forehead and he has a cast on his right wrist. Louis feels something inside of him shatter. He thinks it might have been his heart. “How is he?”

“He’s in a coma.” Anne tells him softly. “He’s got a broken wrist and a few fractured ribs. And he suffered a pretty severe head injury.”

Louis wants to move, he probably should move because he’s just standing in the middle of the room, but all of his limbs feels heavy and his feet feel glued to the ground. Every muscle in his body hurts. So all he can do is just stand there helplessly. He wants to scream or cry or _something_.

Louis swallows thickly. “Wh-what happened?”

“Zayn said he was going to see you. He said he hasn't been sleeping well and he couldn't just let things end with you two being so mad at each other.” End? Things weren't going to end, they just need a little space. They were just taking a little break, right? God, Harry really was going to break up with him and Louis was going to actually going to try and _fix_ things between them today. But now he’s in a fucking _coma_ and it’s all Louis’ fault. “He barely made it out off the car park at Zayn’s flat before a drunk driver swerved into his lane and hit him head on. Zayn saw the whole thing happen. He’s really lucky to be alive.”

“He a fucking vegetable!” Louis shouts at her. “I’d rather him be dead than this!”

“Louis.” Anne looks as if she’s been slapped. Louis is literally the worst person to ever exist. “Please don’t say that.”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry. I just-” His voice breaks and that’s it. He collapses against Anne’s chest and he’s sobbing, soaking her shirt with his tears. And it’s that really ugly type of crying where you can never get enough air into your lungs and you’re just gasping for breath the whole time. He didn't want to cry, he was trying to be strong for her and for Harry, but his whole entire life has gone to shit and he can’t do a single thing right.

“You know he told me what happened.” Anne says. “He called me the night he asked you. Louis, I've never heard him sound more heartbroken that he did that night. He really loves you, you know.”

“I love him too.” Louis sniffles. “So much. More than _anything_. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me and I fucked it all up.”

“No honey, you didn't. You two were meant to be together and I know you will be able to work things out when he wakes up.”

Louis pulls back and wipes his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. “When is he gonna wake up?”

“We don’t know. It could be in a few hours or it could be in a few days. It’s just a waiting game for now.”

Louis was right, the only thing hospitals are good for is waiting.

\--

Louis gives Anne and Gemma the key to his and Harry's house, tells them to get some sleep in a proper bed and he promises to call if anything happens. He climbs onto the bed with Harry and softly kisses his temple. "I love you," Louis whispers against his skin. He closes his eyes and is finally able to fall asleep quickly with Harry next to him.

Zayn is allowed to come in the morning. He apparently spent the night in the waiting room. He looks even worse than he did last night and as soon as he sees Harry he crumples. "I can't stop seeing it happen it my head, Lou. I couldn't sleep last night because every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was him being loaded into the back of the ambulance."

Louis keeps stroking the back of Harry's hand while Zayn talks. Of course he feels bad for Zayn having to see that, he can't even imagine what that was like, doesn't even want to think about it. But at least Zayn was able to _see_ him and _talk_ to him a whole week before this happened. Louis can't help feeling a little jealous about that.

"He was a wreck all week." Zayn continues to talk, his voice only trembling slightly. "I've known him my whole life and I've _never_ seen him like that. He would barely talk to me, he wouldn't eat anything and he wouldn't sleep because he'd be up crying all night. What happened between the two of you?"

So Harry had been feeling the same way as Louis had. They had both been so unhappy without the other. How did any of this even happen? The fight with Harry had gone by so fast yet the week he spent without him felt like _years_. How could Louis be so stupid, how could he have done that to Harry, to the one person he loves more than anything.

"I don't really feel up to talking about this right now, Zayn." He still hasn't taken his eyes off Harry's face since Zayn walked into the room. "I just want to spend some time alone with him for now."

Zayn nods. "Of course, I understand. I was going to head to the cafeteria to get something to eat, would you like me to grab you something?"

"Some tea would be great thanks."

"Sure." Zayn says and then quietly walks out the door.

\--

Over the next few days, Louis doesn't leave Harry’s hospital room once. He’s been sleeping curled up next to him each night, finally able to get a few hours sleep. He doesn't want to risk not being there when Harry wakes up, because he’s _going to be there_ , he’s going to prove to Harry that he cares and that’s he’s sorry for turning their relationship to shit.

It’s hard though. It’s really hard to be in the same room as Harry but not be able to talk to him or hold him properly. Louis is trying not to get frustrated, he’s happy Harry is even _alive_ , but he just wants him to fucking wake up. Every time he really looks at Harry laying there in his bed, it just reminds Louis of all the times he has spent hating himself over the last week.

Sometimes he’ll wake up in the middle of the night with tears running down his cheeks, gasping for breath, thinking that this whole thing was just a bad dream. But it’s not, it’s his reality and he can’t believe it's turned into a nightmare.

“Hazza,” he mumbled sleepily, running his fingers down the length of his arm. “When are you going to open your eyes for me, love?” He gets up from his place on the bed and begins pacing the floor. “There’s a lot of people here that care about you that are waiting for you to wake up. Your mum, Gemma, Zayn, _me_. Does none of that matter to you?”

His hands are starting to shake with anger, he curls them into fists at his side. “Why can’t you just open your fucking eyes, Harry! It’s not that hard!” He shouts. His chest feels tight and he can’t breathe, he needs to get out, he needs to get out of here.

He pushes open the door and runs down the hallway, pain doubling with each step. He makes it to the end of the hallway before his legs give out and he slumps against the wall sliding down to the floor. And that’s when the tears come.

His lungs must have stopped working because he can’t seem to get enough air in and his vision has gone blurry from the amount of tears streaming down his face. He wraps his arms around himself to try and squeeze the pain away but it doesn't help. He’s so angry with himself for causing all of this.

A few moments later he flinches when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He opens his eyes to see Zayn sitting down against the wall next to him. Louis just takes one look at Zayn and he can’t hold it in anymore. “Harry proposed to me and I said no.” Zayn doesn't say anything, just blinks at him and  motions for Louis to continue.

“I said no because I needed some time to think about it. But I didn't really need any time, I think I just said that because I was scared.” His voice is coming out barely a whisper, muffled by his sobs. It feels good to be finally getting this out, to finally be able to put his thoughts into words.

“I’m so fucking terrified, Zayn. I’m nowhere near good enough for him. Everything about Harry is just so _good_ and I’m just this loser who is going nowhere in my life and I always seem to find a way to fuck up anything good that tries to happen to me. And I was afraid that once we got married he would realize that. He would realize that I’m not what he wants and he would leave me. But we didn't even have to get married for him to figure that out.”

Zayn is quiet for so long that Louis has to look up just to make sure he didn't leave. Finally he turns towards him and says, “you are perfect for him. You're perfect for _each other_ because I have never met _anyone_ who loves someone more than Harry loves you.”

Louis shakes his head. There's no way that can be true. Harry wouldn't have left if he really loved him. "It's true, Lou." Zayn says as if he's reading Louis' mind. "He was just really upset and he was feeling like maybe _you_ didn't love him."

"I thought you didn't know what happened."

"Of course I knew, he's my best friend." Zayn says. "I kind of had to force it out of him, but also he's _Harry_ , he can't keep things bottled up for too long. I just wanted to hear it from your side."

Louis' tears have started to slow and he blinks his eyes trying to force them to stop all together. "I was just afraid to tell him that so I said I needed to time so I could think of way to tell him. But now, now I might lose him and I can't live without him Zayn, I can't." A new wave of tears hits him hard and he collapses against Zayn's side.

"Hey," Zayn soothes, pulling Louis closer to him and running his fingers through his hair. "You're not going to have to. Harry is going to make it through this, he's one tough lad. Then you two can have the extravagant wedding that _I know_ Harry wants and then you'll have shit tons of little curly headed babies running around the house."

Louis chuckles at that. "He's going to want to go all out. I'm going to spend so much money on this wedding. _My_ wedding, fuck." _His_ wedding because he and Harry are going to get _married_. Well, if Harry ever wakes up, which Louis _knows_  he will because he can _feel_ it.

"Don't worry about that, bro. Harry has been saving up for this for years." Zayn tells him.

"What? I know he was saving up for the night he proposed, but the wedding too?"

Zayn nods. "He's going to kill me if he ever finds out I told you, but he's been planning to propose for like two years. I'm surprised he waited as long as he did."

Louis doesn't even know what to say to that. _Two years_. He just smiles and cuddles more into Zayn's side.

\--

Louis' eyes are drooping and he is on the cusp of sleep when he hears rustling coming from beside him and then very softly, "Lou?"

His eyes snaps open and he rolls onto his side to see Harry lying next to him, blinking up at the ceiling. Harry's eyes are open. _Harry is awake_  and his first thought was of _Louis_. He can already feel the tears brimming behind his eyes. "Yeah babe. I'm right here." He reaches up to stroke Harry's cheek.

Harry turns his head to look at Louis and he gives him a small smile. "Lou, I'm so so sorry." His voice is soft and weak from not having used it in awhile.

Louis frowns. "Hey, no, you have _nothing_  to be sorry for alright?" Harry nods. "How are you feeling?"

"It hurts."

"Okay, let me go get the nurse." Louis swings his legs off the bed and sits up, but Harry weakly grips onto his arm to stop him.

"Don't leave me. Please."

"I've got to get the nurse for you, love." Louis tells him. "I'll be gone for maybe two seconds. I'll be right back, promise."

Harry's eyes flutter closed. "Please." He pleads.

"Let me just stick my head out of the door then. You'll be able to see me the whole time, okay?"

"'kay." Harry says weakly.

Louis grabs the nurse who comes in immediately to check on Harry and while she's doing that, Louis sends a quick text to Zayn.

_Hey bro sorry it's so late but Harry's awake !! Can you pick up Anne and gems from the house please ??_

Forty five minutes later, Harry's mum and sister come in with tears in their eyes. Louis sneaks out the door behind them to give Harry some time alone with them. He feels like he's been hogging him the last four days anyway.

Louis sees Zayn sitting on one of the couches in the waiting room. He curls up next to him and falls asleep the second his head settles in Zayn's lap.

\--

Harry has to stay in the hospital to run some tests to make sure he's well enough to leave. And after two more days he's all cleared to go home. Louis' heart sinks to his stomach when he realizes that means back to Zayn's flat.

He and Harry haven't spoken since Harry first woke up. It's not like Louis is _avoiding_ him, he's just letting him have some time with his family. Or maybe Louis is avoiding him. He's afraid to be alone with him because he knows Harry is just going to break his heart and he wants to postpone that as long as possible. Zayn kept giving him knowing looks every time he'd make up an excuse to not see Harry.

"Alright Haz, you ready to get out of here?" Zayn asks him as Harry's pulling on his boots. Zayn brought in the suitcase Harry took with him when he left so he has some of his own clothes to change into.

"Um," Harry's eyes flick in between Louis and Zayn. Louis is sitting very awkwardly in the chair in the corner, he doesn't even know why he's still here. He gets up to leave, but stops in his tracks when Harry says, "if it's okay with Louis, I'd like to go home with him. You know, to my own house."

Louis looks over and both Harry and Zayn are staring at him, he looks down at Harry's boots because he can't bring himself to look at his face. "Yeah, 's fine. Cause it's your house too, so uh, yeah."

"Well I guess I'll get out of here then." Zayn says as he pulls Harry into a hug, then says a little softer but still loud enough for Louis to hear, "if he's still being an arse you know where I live."

Harry chuckles at that and it's _so nice_ to hear him laugh again, even if he is laughing at Louis. "Love you, Zee."

"Love you too, H. I'm glad you're okay." Zayn gives Louis a quick fist bump before leaving and now they're left alone. To say it's awkward would be an understatement.

"Ready?" Louis asks.

Harry nods and grabs his suitcase. Louis leads him out to where his car still sits, unlocked, where he left it that first night. He helps Harry into the passenger seat and throws his suitcase in the back.

It's hard being this close to Harry and not knowing if it's okay to touch him, not knowing what to say. He has so many things that he needs to say but he doesn't even know where to begin, luckily he doesn't have to worry about it much longer because Harry breaks the silence. "I'm sorry."

"For what exactly?"

"For leaving."

Louis frowns. "Harry, you don't have to apologize for that. You had every right to leave. I was being a twat."

"I was _so mad_ at you, Louis." Harry sighs and tries to fidget with his ring only to realize it's not there. It's still in the plastic bag the hospital gave him that held all his personal belongings. "I was so mad that you couldn't just give me a straight answer and I thought it was my fault. I thought you needed time because you needed to figure out how to tell me that you didn't want to be with me anymore."

Louis wants to stop him, to tell him he's got it all wrong, but he knows Harry needs to get this out. Like Zayn said, Harry isn't good at keeping things bottled up. So Louis keeps his eyes focused on the road listening to Harry's voice, still a little raspy.

"So I thought maybe if I left, gave you some space, it would be able to help clear your head so you could figure things out. But that was probably the worst idea I've ever had because it was _awful_ without you Lou."

They're stopped at a red light so Louis' able to look over at Harry for the first time since leaving the hospital. Harry's already facing him, his big green eyes staring up at him. Just _looking_ at him makes Louis' heart swell, he's missed him _so much._

"I _never_ wanted to not be with you. I was just so bloody terrified of getting married because it felt a little too real for me. But Harry, I almost lost you and that was even more terrifying. I _could not_ live without you, it would be physically impossible because I barely made it that one week without you." The light turns green so Louis places his hands back on the steering wheel and starts driving again. "I don't ever want to be without you."

Harry reaches over and grabs his left hand, pulling it off the steering wheel, and intertwines their fingers. "You won't ever have to. I'm right here."

Once they make it back home, Louis helps Harry into the house. "Are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat? I can make you a sandwich. You want a sandwich?"

Harry shakes his head. "No thanks, I think I'm just going to go take a nap. Even though I slept for four days straight, I'm exhausted."

"Alright then, I'll join you. My back is killing me and it'd be nice to sleep in our own bed." Louis loves the way the corner of Harry's lips twitch up into a smile when he says the word _our_. "Hospital beds aren't very comfortable. Plus you didn't leave me very much space, you just kept it all to yourself, which I thought was incredibly rude."

"You slept in the bed with me?"

"Every night." Harry blushes and looks down at his feet. Louis is so in love with him. He grabs his hands and leads him up to their bedroom. "Hey Harry, you think before we get all settled in you can do me a favor and ask me again?"

"Ask you what?"

Louis swallows. Why is he so nervous? "You know, _the_ question."

Harry stares at him for a second before recognition flashes across his face. Harry digs through the front pocket on his suitcase and pulls out that same little black box. He walks over in front of Louis and drops down onto one knee. "Louis, will you marry me?"

Louis nods. "Yes." He sticks out his left hand so Harry can slip the ring on his finger. It's a perfect fit, just like him and Harry. "There's nothing I want more in the world than to be your husband."

Harry looks up at him, his eyes wet with tears. "Husband?"

Louis pulls him up to his feet and wraps his arms around his waist. "Yeah. Spouses."

Harry beams so wide that his dimple pops into his cheek. Louis' missed that so much, he's missed _Harry_ so much and he almost lost him. But now he's here and in Louis' arms and they are going to get _married_ and it's all just a little too much. The only way Louis really knows how to deal with that right now is to pull Harry even closer to him and seal their lips together.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm [ireallysawanangel](http://www.ireallysawanangel.tumblr.com) on tumblr, so come say hi!


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